Some stories are so absurd that even when I tell you this is an actual true story, you’re simply not going to believe me. This story is THAT absurd! But I’m going to tell you anyway. So hang on tight as I tell the tale about one of Napoleon’s greatest defeats!
The Master of Europe
It’s 1807. Napoleon Bonaparte has just signed the Treaty of Tilsit. Which basically means that , for all intents and purposes, he is now the undisputed master of Europe. He has crushed empires resulting in redrawn borders, and cemented his legacy for eternity.
And when a man reaches such an achievement, naturally he must celebrate this monumental peak of power, and he decides to throw a party. And what does the most powerful man in the world do for fun? Well he does the only sensible thing a man can do, and orders the biggest rabbit hunt in history.
naturally.
A Fatal Error in Logistics
Napoleon is not a man that takes chores like this into his own hands, so he leaves the planning to his Chief of Staff, Alexandre Berthier. Now, you’d think a top tier military commander would be equipped to handle a simple gathering of small animals. well you’d be sorely wrong.
Berthier wanted to impress his boss, so he didn’t just get a few dozen rabbits which would be the sensible thing to do. Instead… he acquired no less than 3,000 of them. yes.. three Thousand rabbits!
But there was a small logistical error in Berthier’s judgement. You see, catching 3,000 wild rabbits in the woods takes a lot of manpower, time and effort. So, he took the easy way out and decided to simply buy them in bulk from the local farmers. What could possibly go wrong?
Dinner Time for the Horde
Well one thing that could go wrong was buying human fed semi tame rabbits,
You see, wild rabbits are terrified of humans and would run away in fear of their lives.
Tame farm rabbits, on the other hand, associate humans with exactly one thing: Food!
and so the big day arrives. The absolute elite of the French empire are all gathered in a grassy field ready and eager to take part in today’s festivities.
Napoleon grabs his rifle and steps up, weapon at ready, feeling like a god among men. And on his superior order the cages are opened.
Out pours the obscene amount of rabbits that everyone expects to scatter in a blind panic so the emperor can show off his shooting skills. But instead they did the exact opposite.
The Fluffy Blitzkrieg
The problem was that these rabbits hadn’t been fed for a while so all the starving rabbits took one look at the emperor and saw the world’s largest walking food dispenser. And started running towards Napoleon.
And it wasn’t just running, they basically charged him.
One massive, fluffy wave of rodents proceeded to swarm the most feared military tactician in history. They climbed his boots, gnawed at his gold-braided uniform, and completely ignored the desperate whips and sticks of his elite guards. These rabbits were hungry!
The Humiliating Escape
Imagine the man who had broken the Austrian and Russian armies was completely overwhelmed.
Rolling around in the dirt completely overwhelmed by rodents. Napoleon’s men managed to stand him up and they had to fall back. Napoleon literally ran for his life toward his majestic carriage.
The massive long-eared army didn’t stop though.According to hearsay, not 100% on the accuracy of facts here, but allegedly, the rabbits displayed better tactical awareness than some of Napoleon’s actual enemies, the horde split into two wings, flanking the carriage. As a redfaced, panicking Napoleon hurled himself inside, the rabbits were leaping up, trying to break through the carriage windows.
History’s True Defeat
History books will always talk about Waterloo as Napoleon’s ultimate downfall. I beg to differ .
Never forget that years before he lost to the British, the great Emperor of France was forced into a humiliating retreat by 3,000 hungry bunnies.
I still find this story hard to believe, even though it’s well documented in the French archives.
Absolutely Brilliant.
